I guess I spoke too soon.

Because two days after my last post about how healthy all the kids were...BAM! They all got sick. Very sick. High fevers, nasty coughs, earaches, chills, extra-gross diapers, etc. I'm sure they picked up this little bug at the doctor's office. Chase, as usual, got it first and got it worst. Kai followed him the next day, and Kate got it the day after that. Of course I got it too. And since Daddy was OUT OF TOWN for three days(!) and Austin was up in his room in survivalist mode with a bag of pretzels and some water bottles, it's just been me and the three Sicky Sickertons, coughing and wheezing and barfing and crying and sniffing and snorting and rooting around for food and lying on the couch watching "Max and Ruby" over and over and over and over and over for the past week. Because this is all they will watch and there's no point in trying to win an argument with sick children.

And maybe it's just because I'm sick and grouchy, but does anyone else hate Max and Ruby? Because I think it's the most irritating cartoon ever. Where do I even begin? Let's start with Ruby: She's prim and bossy and I suspect she's a little OCD. She's like a grandma in seven-year old form. She's a slow-talker with a prissy voice. She spends her days waddling around with her friend Louise working on Bunny Scout badges and very slowly making cakes. She throws tea parties for her dumb toys, passing cookies to Curly Shirley and the Tooth Fairy, and pouring tea for Mr. and Mrs. Quack-Quack Duck. Her main goal in life is to get Max out of the way so she and Louise can get ready for Bunny Scout Leader to come over.

I don't really blame her for wanting to get rid of Max, though. He's even worse than Ruby. I hate his sly little eyes and the lurpy way he walks. His toys are even dumber than Ruby's: an ant farm with no lid, a squishy jelly spider, a red "rubbah" elephant, a Deep Diver Submarine toy, a yappy puppy, and a bunch of chickens. He keeps rotten eggs in his underwear drawer, and sics his robots on Ruby when she's trying to draw. Plus, I think there's something wrong with him. Seriously. He only says ONE WORD per episode, and he says it over and over. Is this a sign of autism? I'm guessing he's about three, so he should be talking a lot more than that. Ruby needs to waddle on down with him to a doctor and get that checked out.

But the thing that bothers me the most is: WHERE ARE THEIR PARENTS?? There is a picture of the parents with Max and Ruby over the couch, but you never actually see them. Did they die? Are they picking up extra shifts at the local casino? I know parents aren't in most cartoons, and that's fine, but usually the kids are in Dragon Land or off on Backyardigan adventures or somewhere you wouldn't expect parents to be anyway. But Max and Ruby pretty much just hang out at home. Sometimes Grandma comes over to watch their puppet shows and stuff, but you never see a mom. Who takes care of the house? How do they get money? Where do the groceries come from? Why don't they just live with Grandma? I Googled this the other day because it was really bugging me, and I found an interview by Rosemary Wells, who wrote the Max and Ruby books. She said the parents exist but we don't see them because she wants Max and Ruby to work out their issues and learn on their own. Whatever. A seven-year old and a three-year old should not be cooking smores over a fire or taking the bus alone downtown. It's not Ruby's job to bathe Max or clean his room or feed his stupid ants. My personal theory is that the dad ran out on them and Mom's got some "problems" and stays in bed all day nursing a bottle of vodka, thus forcing Ruby to step in and parent Max. And all the people in town know what's going on and feel sorry for the kids, so they give them free stuff and drop off food. Grandma will pop in now and again for Ruby's tea parties, but she's not much help because she's on a fixed income and pockets their cupcakes. The neighbors give Ruby babysitting gigs and buy her overpriced lemonade so she doesn't feel like the town charity case.

So that's the backstory I'm going with. Anyway, when Kurt got home he deleted a bunch of shows off the DVR to make room for a basketball game. He left ONE episode of Max and Ruby. Which sucks for me because at least before I had a couple of episodes to rotate through. Now I'm stuck with only the one where Max ties a string on his finger and it drives Ruby crazy trying to find out what the string is for. Is is so he will remember to clean his room? Nope. (But it's a mess, so Ruby cleans it.) Feed his ants? Nope. (She does that too.) Eat some chocolate cake with raspberry fluff icing? Nope, although they both seem happy to dig in. Finish his jigsaw puzzle? Nope. (Ruby steps in again.) Clean up the toothpaste he left in the sink? Nope. (Ruby to the rescue!) It's driving her crazy. There is a note of true desperation in her voice. She just can't figure out why anyone would tie a string to his finger for no reason. It makes no sense and everything in Ruby Land must make sense. Her orderly world is falling apart. Memories begin to emerge, sweet yet painful...memories of better days with a mother who cooked breakfast for her children and a father who gave them horsey rides on his back after work. No. Stop. Can't think about that now. Back to the mysterious string.

And I think: Ruby! WHY DO YOU CARE WHAT THE STRING IS FOR???!? Who gives a crap? Kids do weird things. They tie strings on their fingers because they found some string and they have a finger. It means nothing. And you just did all his chores for him. Again. No wonder he's so incompetent. And he probably doesn't talk because YOU won't shut up. And the neighbors are only coming to your pathetic garage sales because they're hoping to get a peek inside your house and maybe even a glimpse of your mom shuffling around, squinting at the light, kicking back aspirin in her tattered bathrobe and dirty slippers. Ha ha on you, Ruby.

I think I better just block this show before I really start overanalyzing things.