I guess I spoke too soon.

Because two days after my last post about how healthy all the kids were...BAM! They all got sick. Very sick. High fevers, nasty coughs, earaches, chills, extra-gross diapers, etc. I'm sure they picked up this little bug at the doctor's office. Chase, as usual, got it first and got it worst. Kai followed him the next day, and Kate got it the day after that. Of course I got it too. And since Daddy was OUT OF TOWN for three days(!) and Austin was up in his room in survivalist mode with a bag of pretzels and some water bottles, it's just been me and the three Sicky Sickertons, coughing and wheezing and barfing and crying and sniffing and snorting and rooting around for food and lying on the couch watching "Max and Ruby" over and over and over and over and over for the past week. Because this is all they will watch and there's no point in trying to win an argument with sick children.

And maybe it's just because I'm sick and grouchy, but does anyone else hate Max and Ruby? Because I think it's the most irritating cartoon ever. Where do I even begin? Let's start with Ruby: She's prim and bossy and I suspect she's a little OCD. She's like a grandma in seven-year old form. She's a slow-talker with a prissy voice. She spends her days waddling around with her friend Louise working on Bunny Scout badges and very slowly making cakes. She throws tea parties for her dumb toys, passing cookies to Curly Shirley and the Tooth Fairy, and pouring tea for Mr. and Mrs. Quack-Quack Duck. Her main goal in life is to get Max out of the way so she and Louise can get ready for Bunny Scout Leader to come over.

I don't really blame her for wanting to get rid of Max, though. He's even worse than Ruby. I hate his sly little eyes and the lurpy way he walks. His toys are even dumber than Ruby's: an ant farm with no lid, a squishy jelly spider, a red "rubbah" elephant, a Deep Diver Submarine toy, a yappy puppy, and a bunch of chickens. He keeps rotten eggs in his underwear drawer, and sics his robots on Ruby when she's trying to draw. Plus, I think there's something wrong with him. Seriously. He only says ONE WORD per episode, and he says it over and over. Is this a sign of autism? I'm guessing he's about three, so he should be talking a lot more than that. Ruby needs to waddle on down with him to a doctor and get that checked out.

But the thing that bothers me the most is: WHERE ARE THEIR PARENTS?? There is a picture of the parents with Max and Ruby over the couch, but you never actually see them. Did they die? Are they picking up extra shifts at the local casino? I know parents aren't in most cartoons, and that's fine, but usually the kids are in Dragon Land or off on Backyardigan adventures or somewhere you wouldn't expect parents to be anyway. But Max and Ruby pretty much just hang out at home. Sometimes Grandma comes over to watch their puppet shows and stuff, but you never see a mom. Who takes care of the house? How do they get money? Where do the groceries come from? Why don't they just live with Grandma? I Googled this the other day because it was really bugging me, and I found an interview by Rosemary Wells, who wrote the Max and Ruby books. She said the parents exist but we don't see them because she wants Max and Ruby to work out their issues and learn on their own. Whatever. A seven-year old and a three-year old should not be cooking smores over a fire or taking the bus alone downtown. It's not Ruby's job to bathe Max or clean his room or feed his stupid ants. My personal theory is that the dad ran out on them and Mom's got some "problems" and stays in bed all day nursing a bottle of vodka, thus forcing Ruby to step in and parent Max. And all the people in town know what's going on and feel sorry for the kids, so they give them free stuff and drop off food. Grandma will pop in now and again for Ruby's tea parties, but she's not much help because she's on a fixed income and pockets their cupcakes. The neighbors give Ruby babysitting gigs and buy her overpriced lemonade so she doesn't feel like the town charity case.

So that's the backstory I'm going with. Anyway, when Kurt got home he deleted a bunch of shows off the DVR to make room for a basketball game. He left ONE episode of Max and Ruby. Which sucks for me because at least before I had a couple of episodes to rotate through. Now I'm stuck with only the one where Max ties a string on his finger and it drives Ruby crazy trying to find out what the string is for. Is is so he will remember to clean his room? Nope. (But it's a mess, so Ruby cleans it.) Feed his ants? Nope. (She does that too.) Eat some chocolate cake with raspberry fluff icing? Nope, although they both seem happy to dig in. Finish his jigsaw puzzle? Nope. (Ruby steps in again.) Clean up the toothpaste he left in the sink? Nope. (Ruby to the rescue!) It's driving her crazy. There is a note of true desperation in her voice. She just can't figure out why anyone would tie a string to his finger for no reason. It makes no sense and everything in Ruby Land must make sense. Her orderly world is falling apart. Memories begin to emerge, sweet yet painful...memories of better days with a mother who cooked breakfast for her children and a father who gave them horsey rides on his back after work. No. Stop. Can't think about that now. Back to the mysterious string.

And I think: Ruby! WHY DO YOU CARE WHAT THE STRING IS FOR???!? Who gives a crap? Kids do weird things. They tie strings on their fingers because they found some string and they have a finger. It means nothing. And you just did all his chores for him. Again. No wonder he's so incompetent. And he probably doesn't talk because YOU won't shut up. And the neighbors are only coming to your pathetic garage sales because they're hoping to get a peek inside your house and maybe even a glimpse of your mom shuffling around, squinting at the light, kicking back aspirin in her tattered bathrobe and dirty slippers. Ha ha on you, Ruby.

I think I better just block this show before I really start overanalyzing things.

A Visit to the Doctor

Relax, it was just a checkup. I mostly just want to share their height/weight results: First of all, I'm proud to annouce that for the first time in three years, Chase is ON THE GROWTH CHARTS! Period! He never even made the 1st percentile before. He is 28 1/2 lbs and 36 1/2" (although that was with shoes and clothes on, so I must be honest and round downward a little) putting him at a solid 15% for weight and 10% for height. I did an online growth predictor which said he would be 5'7" at age 18. That's short, but at least he will be taller than his mom. And Frodo. That's Kurt's and my yardstick: as long as he's taller than a hobbit, that's OK with us.

Kai was 30 lbs (30%) and 38" (50%). I have to say, I was a little surprised by this. He feels a lot heavier when he body-slams you as you're sitting on the floor watching TV or leaps onto your back from the couch as you walk by. I thought I was carrying a lot more weight when lugging him upstairs to bed. Whatever.

And then we have Miss Kate, with the enviable body measurements of 29 lbs (30%) and 39" (90%). Maybe she can support us in our old age with the money she will make walking the runways in Paris. That's why I let her wear lip gloss and paint her toenails. Just grooming her early.

Nothing much else to report from the visit. The kids were in fine form for the doctor (meaning: insane), prompting him to say "Well, they definitely have their own...interesting personalities, don't they?" Kurt tried to keep them quiet with a crinkled-up piece of paper off the exam table and by drawing scary/happy/funny/sad faces on tongue depressors. (There's not much to play with in those rooms.) I had some Red Vines in my purse I was saving as bribes, but they spotted them as we walked in and they went through the entire box in 15 minutes. So the doctor got to examine a lot of sticky red teeth and slimy fingers. Kate threw a fit and refused to let the doctor look in her ears, mouth, eyes, nose or anywhere else, so after a few minutes, he gave up and said, "Well, she seems healthy to me." Kai was fine until he saw how Kate was acting, and then started fake-crying about the ear exam. Chase liked it all, especially the part where he got to open up and say "ahh". Well, that's what he was supposed to say. What he really said was, "AAAAHHHHHHAHAHAHA! HAHAHA!" When we got to the car he even started yelling, "I wanna go back and see the doctor!" (There were no shots at this visit, obviously.)

So we're all good for now. Nobody is sick, knock on wood, everybody is where they should be developmentally, and things are good. At the end of the exam, the doctor told us were were very blessed to have healthy, normal kids, especially for preemie-multiples, and we definitely are. Sometimes I forget how intensely worried and scared I was about my kids when I was carrying them and in the early days. Anxiety took over my life from the minute I found out I was pregnant to the day they were born. There were many scares along the way (some real, some only in my mind) but everything turned out perfectly. And I'm sitting here now, January of 2010, they are three years old, and everything is fine. No matter what fears I had in the past, no matter what happens down the road, things are good right now. I don't always appreciate that on a day-to-day basis, I guess. I often take their health for granted these days until I see something on TV or hear stories about others who weren't so lucky, and then I say a little silent thank-you prayer for my normal, healthy, amazing, crazy, funny, darling, quirky children. They are miracles--in many ways--and I don't use that word lightly. Even though sometimes it takes getting locked in a small exam room with them for 45 minutes to make me remember that. :)

Short and Sweet

Kate loves toy horses (not the real kind!) and has a bunch that she named Mommy Horse, Daddy Horse, Grandpa Horse, Katie Horse, Baby Horse, etc. We gave her some little tiny horses for Christmas, which promptly got lost. Last night she spotted one under her bed and asked me what kind it was. I told her it was an Appaloosa. This morning I found her carrying around an armful of horses and crying. I asked her what was wrong and she said, "Where my horsie go, Mommy?" I said, "Kate, you have all your horsies right there!" She said, "No, Mommy! I need my Apple Susie!"

If you give a kid a cookie...

...he's going to ask for a second cookie.
And if you give him a second cookie...
he's going to want a third cookie.
And if you tell him to be quiet and just eat the ones he has...
he's going to start screaming.
And if he starts screaming about cookies...
the other kids are going to hear the word "cookies" and want some of their own.

And if you give them all cookies...
they're going to want milk to go with them.
And if you give them all milk...
they're going to dump it on the floor
And then they're going to cry.
So when you give them more milk...
they're going to argue about which cup they want it in
And then they'll argue about who has the most milk.
You'll try to give them all the same amount...

But it won't fool them.

They'll still think everyone else has more...
and then they'll scream even louder.
So you'll turn on the TV to distract them...
and put on the new movie they got for Christmas.
But only one of them will want to watch that movie...
...and another will want Tinkerbell...
...and the other will want Finding Nemo.
So you'll kindly suggest they go outside and play.
You'll start to put on their coats.
Then they'll start to scream because they want their blue coats instead.
So you'll look for their blue coats...
...and remember they're still in the wash.
You'll try to break the news to them gently...
...but it won't matter.

They'll throw tantrums on the floor...
until you walk upstairs to get away from the noise.
They'll follow you up the stairs...
because they don't want you to miss a moment of the tantrum.
You'll lock yourself in your room...
...but they'll pound on the door and kick the wall.
So you'll open the door of your room
And they'll run inside.
One will knock your lamp on the floor
...another will put mascara on her toes
...and the other will pull your phone charger out of the wall and throw it in the toilet.

So you'll gently remove them all from your room.
Then they'll take off their diapers and thrown them down the stairs...
so you'll run downstairs to get new diapers.
When you come back up, you'll notice three wet spots and a poo on the carpet...
so you'll head back downstairs for some carpet cleaner and a towel.
Once you've changed their diapers, you'll suggest reading a book...
but you can't find one that isn't ripped up.
But now that you've suggested stories...
they're not going to forget it.

So you'll tell them they get to make their own book.
You'll go look for crayons...
...and decide to hide in the bathroom for awhile.
They'll notice you are gone...
and start running around the house screaming for you to come back.
When they find you, you'll decide you've had enough and go to the medicine cabinet for some headache medicine.
The medicine cabinet is right by the cookie jar...
...which will remind them...
...that they want a cookie.

The End.